Monday, June 28, 2010

Behind the Scenes at Genius Drivers

Unfortunately, all the crazy driver stories posted on this blog do not write themselves; they are real goofy news stories that have to first happen to real people, and then be written about by real or pseudo journalists. Sometimes they practically fall into my lap, which happens to about 25% of my posts. The rest of the time I get to dig through page after page of internet news to find some bit of news that I find funny--and hopefully you do, too.

This being the weekend before a big holiday, it seems the news cycle hasn't quite caught up with me. Instead of trying to put together a week of old news, which ends up being a derivative of some other derivative blog or humor site--and who really wants that--I've decided to put the onus on the reader.

So I am taking this opportunity to point out a feature at the bottom of every post that you may not have noticed yet: the request for you, esteemed reader, to submit articles to Genius Drivers about genius drivers. I know there must be someone with a local paper who might want to send me a link to their article about a 93-year-old cat lady letting her cat drive her to the store, or other such gem. I will accept older or more recent articles...as long as you think it's funny, I'll be glad to have it. And I will be happy to give you a special shout-out for your contribution to the schadenfreude that is Genius Drivers.

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Glad They Weren't Hurt

This genius wasn't driving at the time he displayed his junk to a couple teenage girls, but for once maybe the world is safer when his SUV is moving instead of stopped to 'ask for directions'.

Driver exposes himself to teen girls in Scotts Valley - San Jose Mercury News

This is a pretty unremarkable (albeit disgusting) story, if not for the description that the girls approached the vehicle from the passenger side (passenger side, mind you) when they saw the man's, um, gear shift...coupled with the reporter's assurance that "they were unhurt." Given the thoroughness with which the incident is describe, it begs the question: how exactly might they have been hurt? I think the reporter meant to say, "they were unimpressed."

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

How to Frame a Tornado

If only he had gotten away with it, everyone would have thought a tornado had hit San Diego the other night. Check out the language used in this article describing the 'swath of destruction' left by the driver of a rental truck:

Alleged drunk driver arrested after smash-ups - Sign On San Diego

So without further ado, let me be the first blog, if not the first person in history, to address Mr. Un-named Driver personally and reverently when I say:

WAY TO GO, GENIUS!
...and stay classy!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Pop Another Cold One

If you had just lost your job and rolled your car onto its roof while on a bender, what would your next move be? Exactly...

Trapped drunk driver 'opened another beer' - IOL New Zealand

Sometimes police can be so snippy...it's not like he was driving anymore at that point.

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Who Wants Tacos!

It's bad enough being so drunk that you pass out in the driver's seat of your car. In the drive-thru lane of a Taco Bell. Long enough for the cops to come and arrest you. But skim through the short news story in the link and see if anything else strikes you as funny...

Woman passed out in drive-through charged with DUI - Yahoo News

Okay, there's probably a few things that tickled your funny bone, first of which was that the police found "SEVERAL open CASES of beer" in her car. Plus pills. Maybe it's time to admit you have a problem, ma'am.


But wait, if you skipped the last sentence of the blurb, you missed the best part:
"Both of her passengers were also arrested after police said they were found to be in possession of pills for which they did not have prescriptions."
She had two passengers with her?? Um...well, so many questions pop into my head at this point. Granted, they too were picked up for having pills they weren't prescribed, so we can assume they weren't exactly sober themselves (and it's likely they were helping with the beer). Nevertheless, they must have been pretty buzzed themselves to first let a drunk drive them to Taco Bell, then to sit there while she was passed out! Who knows, maybe they were trying to wake her. Maybe the car belonged to one of the passengers, so they didn't just want to try to walk home or call a cab to leave the drive-thru. Or maybe they were just really hungry and very, very patient.

Whatever the reason, I think we need to include these passengers as honorary Genius Drivers. After all, they were at least slightly more fit to drive than their unconscious companion behind the wheel. So from everyone here and everyone playing along at home, let's all wish this tipsy taco-craving trio a great big:

WAY TO GO, GENIUS!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

No Kidding!

I'm not a police officer, and never have been. But I have a certain idea (mostly distilled from Police Academy films and Law & Order re-runs) that you don't expect that part of your job would ever be finding a goat in somebody's trunk when you pull them over.

Police charge driver hauling goat in trunk - Roanoke Times

The driver said it was going to be a present to the passengers. This could lead to a whole new custom of giving live animal gifts to the people you drive around. Maybe a taxi service could offer a free marmot to every customer?

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

How Else Would He Get Home?

Continuing yesterday's drunk-driving repeat offender theme, we have a genius who got pulled over twice in the same day! He was just, you know, making sure the police were paying attention...

Drunk driver pulled over twice - The Age

So now the current world record time to beat is two hours. Don't let me down!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Clemency is Wasted on Some

From yesterday's uplifting, funny/quirky story, to more of a sad, ironic tale of a genius drunk driver who hit and injured the same judge who let the guy off easy 11 years earlier.

Repeat drunk driver gets 18 months for crash injuring judge - Washington Post

For some reason a proverb comes to mind to wrap up this story. I won't always get biblical here, but it fits in this instance:

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." - Proverbs 26:11 (NIV)

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Giving Birth While Driving

This article is more about a wacky driving story than a stupid one, but I couldn't resist:

Baby on Board and Driving - via The Pump Station Breastfeeding Blog

You know, if a woman in labor can drive nearly 25 miles to the hospital while picking up her husband along the way, tell me why some people can't seem to manage driving five blocks while talking on their cell phone?

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Police Theft Deterrant

Just remember, if you park your car in Leeds, England, be sure your windows are rolled up. This poor unemployed driver returned to where he had left his vehicle and found it missing. Upon reporting the missing vehicle to the local constabulary, he was informed that it had been confiscated and put in the police lockup to prevent it from, well, from going missing.

Driver forced to pay £150 after police remove his car 'to stop it being stolen' - Telegraph

The genius in this case wasn't the poor guy whose car was stolen preemptively by the police - it is of course the officer who figured out a new way to raise funds for the local government. From myself, and law-abiding citizens everywhere, let me be the first to say from the heart:

WAY TO GO, GENIUS!

Be sure to grab any change out of every open penny tray in every shop in your jurisdiction, while you're at it. That stuff is just asking to be pilfered!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Nation of Genius Drivers

If you're like me, sometimes you get to thinking that other drivers don't even deserve to be on the road. Well, according to a recent survey called the National Drivers Test, there are no fewer than 38 million genius drivers behind the wheel in America. I guess that means job security (blog security?) for me.

Nearly 20 Percent of Drivers may be 'Unfit for Roads' - New York Times


Being from Kansas myself, this is sweet vindication for my own driving ability, and evidence that you drivers on the coasts are maniacs. Finally there's proof!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What a Turkey!

If any genius drivers out there find themselves at Illinois Route 176 and Green Bay Road in Lake Bluff, Illinois, watch out for this gobbler menacing the local motorists:

Wild turkey causes car accident - Chicago Tribune

If this turkey is still around at Thanksgiving time, it will probably be looking for a pardon from the president.

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What is This Generation Coming To?

Usually when you intend to rob someone (as I know from all the heist movies I've watched), first you plan out certain basic things:
  • what you're stealing
  • whom you're stealing from
  • how you're going to do it
  • how you are going to get away
Yeah, those are pretty much the basics. But apparently these geniuses aren't your typical 'plan-ahead' robbers. Oh, they got the who, what, and how down, but when it came to the getaway car, they hadn't banked on it having a standard transmission.

Alleged robbers foiled by manual transmission - The Pitch

Maybe someone will teach them how to drive a stick while they're in prison? (sorry, couldn't help it)

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Please Brake for Jesus

Not all fender-benders are caused by genius drivers, of course. Every now and then, a genius hops out of his driver's seat, pulls off all his clothes, and runs down a highway yelling that he is Jesus.

Police: Naked man 'yelling he was Jesus' caused I-95 accident - The Hour

Look for this genius to make another appearance ('second coming' if you will) on this blog if and when he gets done with his jail sentence/treatment program.

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Friday, June 4, 2010

One Way to Avoid Paying Tolls

Since I have too weak of a stomach, I have made it my unofficial goal not to post stories to this blog where people are seriously injured or killed -- unless the story is just too intriguing, or the lesson learned too important. Fortunately this story includes a 'happy' ending where the driver escapes serious injury not only from jumping a toll booth, but also surviving the landing, and the ensuing fireball. Not that she was sober enough to notice...

First, check out this great article, video, and pictures of the aftermath:

This Is Not How You're Supposed to Fly Out of Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport - Dallas News

When I saw this video, all I could think of was how fast she must have been going. I mean, look at it, the video is only 12 seconds long, and she's not even in frame for half of it. Think about what your guess would be as to speed, height, distance in the air, and hang time, and compare to my estimates below. I'm no expert at analyzing video or identifying vehicles, but here's what I've calculated:

The white coupe she passes (one lane farther away from the camera) looks similar to a late model Toyota Corolla, which is about 14 feet long. In the closest to a full second as YouTube will let me pause at, the vehicle travels more or less five times the length of that neighboring vehicle, or 70 feet in on second. That only turns out to be 45 mph, which is surprising to me. Does it surprise you? Granted, these are all extremely rough estimates of length and time, but based on them, the math is at least accurate. I even consulted Wolfram|Alpha for the projectile path calculation, as I didn't trust myself to handle it myself.

The angle of the ramp makes a big difference in trajectory, or course. Having given all of my protractors away to the local needy children's protractor charity, once again I had to best-guess it. The ramp is basically a right triangle laying on the side opposite the right angle. I can clearly see that the angle opposite the takeoff angle is definitely more than 60 degrees, which would form an imaginary equilateral triangle. I'm going to say it's 70 degrees for the purposes of this calculation, but it could even be more. The takeoff angle definitely appears that it could be 20 degrees, which is the result of some geometrical postulate or something that I've long since forgotten in the nearly 20 years since I was in 8th grade. All I know is that the angles of a triangle add up to 180 degrees, and 180 - 90 - 70 = 20. This, then, is the 'best-case scenario', with lower takeoff angles resulting in less impressive outcomes. But who cares about being conservative with our estimates.


As you can see above, 45 mph at 20 degrees provides a pretty impressive flight path, although the lady probably should have cleared it with the tower first. According to this, she traveled up to 87 feet, with  maximum altitude of nearly 8 feet, with a hang time of 1.4 seconds. WOW! I would not have expected that kind of distance at such a relatively slow speed. How lucky that no one was in her landing zone, and that she escaped the resulting inferno!

By now you have come to expect more than math from me on this blog, so here is the lesson:

Anyone can be Evel Knievel, but that doesn't mean everyone should try to be.

...and even amazingly dumb drivers catch a lucky break every once in a while.

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Drunk Driver Should Have Put Pants On First

If there's one rule of thumb in breaking the law, it's 'don't be seen'. Most ne'er-do-wells try to stay under the radar, and not attract too much attention. Driving around stark naked while three sheets to the wind is, shall we just say, a little obvious.

Police Say drunken driver was naked - Chicago Tribune

Next time, at least put some drawers on...think of the children!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Keep On Truckin'

Today's installment shows that you don't have to be stupid to be a 'genius', just clueless. Check out this video first to see what happened, and then tell me which driver is at fault:


Most people are going to expect that the truck driver here might at least share some blame for not noticing a compact car wedged under his front bumper.

Turns out there were actually two genius drivers here, though. The driver of the little blue Micro Machine apparently veered in front of the truck, causing the original impact...that apparently Mister Lorry Driver didn't see, hear or feel.

Therefore, in a tremendous show of jurisprudence, the local tribunal decided the truck driver should not only keep his license, but praised him for basically being inattentive to his surroundings:

‘You showed, in my view, coolness and a clear head. I feel it is entirely inappropriate for me to take away your licence. You, your employers and the haulage industry should be able to hold your heads up high after this incident.’

Okay, it's one thing to exonerate the man, but don't try to make him out as some sort of hero because he was oblivious. I understand there's a huge blind spot in front of semis that they are trying to correct with mirrors, but 'hold your heads up high' is not a logical conclusion to this thing. It's like in this 2007 incident with a big truck and a wheelchair -- the truck driver's not a villain (he just didn't see the person in front of him), but that doesn't mean he deserves any kind of praise, other than 'Thanks for stopping after we had to flag you down to tell you you're about to kill someone'.

If we're going to praise the truck driver, let us also praise the driver of the Matchbox car who pulled in front of him, for...hmm, let's see...I guess for being so gentle in colliding with him that he didn't even realize she had melded with his bumper and become his de facto parking brake.

So without further ado, I wish to take this moment to recognize both drivers in this incident with the highest praise this modest writer can afford to such fabulous displays of driving and attentiveness:

WAY TO GO, GENIUS!
Lorry driver who shunted Renault Clio along motorway at 60mph is cleared - Mail Online

By the way, how do you have the presence of mind to record a video like that?? Imagine the scenario: they must have already been filming something, and then a semi pushes a subcompact down the road past you. That must have been surreal.


Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Peer Pressure

Why doesn't it surprise me to read about teenagers getting into a wreck for doing something stupid?

Teens hurt after driver held breath and fainted - The Daily Telegraph

I'm guessing that whoever farted didn't realize the power windows were kaput.


Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Start Your Engines

I've seen one too many stupid driver news stories on the internet to keep me from sharing them on a blog. Be sure to comment to your heart's content, but spam and abuse will not be tolerated.

Please feel free to send me your stupid driver stories and photos. My goal is to avoid graphic images and descriptions, and instead look at the humorous or ironic side of roadway mishaps. Fortunately for us / unfortunately for those braving the highways and byways today, there is no shortage of fun to be had at others' expense...and maybe, just maybe, we'll all drive more safely as we learn what NOT to do behind the wheel.