Behind the Scenes at Genius Drivers

Unfortunately, all the crazy driver stories posted on this blog do not write themselves; they are real goofy news stories that have to first happen to real people, and then be written about by real or pseudo journalists. Sometimes they practically fall into my lap, which happens to about 25% of my posts. The rest of the time I get to dig through page after page of internet news to find some bit of news that I find funny--and hopefully you do, too.

This being the weekend before a big holiday, it seems the news cycle hasn't quite caught up with me. Instead of trying to put together a week of old news, which ends up being a derivative of some other derivative blog or humor site--and who really wants that--I've decided to put the onus on the reader.

So I am taking this opportunity to point out a feature at the bottom of every post that you may not have noticed yet: the request for you, esteemed reader, to submit articles to Genius Drivers about genius drivers. I know there must be someone with a local paper who might want to send me a link to their article about a 93-year-old cat lady letting her cat drive her to the store, or other such gem. I will accept older or more recent articles...as long as you think it's funny, I'll be glad to have it. And I will be happy to give you a special shout-out for your contribution to the schadenfreude that is Genius Drivers.

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Glad They Weren't Hurt

This genius wasn't driving at the time he displayed his junk to a couple teenage girls, but for once maybe the world is safer when his SUV is moving instead of stopped to 'ask for directions'.

Driver exposes himself to teen girls in Scotts Valley - San Jose Mercury News

This is a pretty unremarkable (albeit disgusting) story, if not for the description that the girls approached the vehicle from the passenger side (passenger side, mind you) when they saw the man's, um, gear shift...coupled with the reporter's assurance that "they were unhurt." Given the thoroughness with which the incident is describe, it begs the question: how exactly might they have been hurt? I think the reporter meant to say, "they were unimpressed."

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

How to Frame a Tornado

If only he had gotten away with it, everyone would have thought a tornado had hit San Diego the other night. Check out the language used in this article describing the 'swath of destruction' left by the driver of a rental truck:

Alleged drunk driver arrested after smash-ups - Sign On San Diego

So without further ado, let me be the first blog, if not the first person in history, to address Mr. Un-named Driver personally and reverently when I say:

WAY TO GO, GENIUS!

...and stay classy!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Pop Another Cold One

If you had just lost your job and rolled your car onto its roof while on a bender, what would your next move be? Exactly...

Trapped drunk driver 'opened another beer' - IOL New Zealand

Sometimes police can be so snippy...it's not like he was driving anymore at that point.

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.

Who Wants Tacos!

It's bad enough being so drunk that you pass out in the driver's seat of your car. In the drive-thru lane of a Taco Bell. Long enough for the cops to come and arrest you. But skim through the short news story in the link and see if anything else strikes you as funny...

Woman passed out in drive-through charged with DUI - Yahoo News

Okay, there's probably a few things that tickled your funny bone, first of which was that the police found "SEVERAL open CASES of beer" in her car. Plus pills. Maybe it's time to admit you have a problem, ma'am.


But wait, if you skipped the last sentence of the blurb, you missed the best part:

"Both of her passengers were also arrested after police said they were found to be in possession of pills for which they did not have prescriptions."

She had two passengers with her?? Um...well, so many questions pop into my head at this point. Granted, they too were picked up for having pills they weren't prescribed, so we can assume they weren't exactly sober themselves (and it's likely they were helping with the beer). Nevertheless, they must have been pretty buzzed themselves to first let a drunk drive them to Taco Bell, then to sit there while she was passed out! Who knows, maybe they were trying to wake her. Maybe the car belonged to one of the passengers, so they didn't just want to try to walk home or call a cab to leave the drive-thru. Or maybe they were just really hungry and very, very patient.

Whatever the reason, I think we need to include these passengers as honorary Genius Drivers. After all, they were at least slightly more fit to drive than their unconscious companion behind the wheel. So from everyone here and everyone playing along at home, let's all wish this tipsy taco-craving trio a great big:

WAY TO GO, GENIUS!

Got a story or photo of a Genius Driver? Send it to blog (at) metamorphilia (dot) com.